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Is it a controlling or a loving relationship?

A controlling relationship is a nightmare. The dangerous part is that most people don't realize when they are in a controlling relationship. The controlling behavior of a partner is often confused with “caring”, “protective”, “jealous” or “old fashioned”.

What causes controlling behavior?

Some potential causes of controlling behavior are: low self-esteem; being micromanaged or controlled by someone else; traumatic past experiences; a need to feel in-control; or a need to feel 'above' someone else.. None of these have to do with you, the victim of inappropriate control.

These are some of the symptoms of controlling behavior

  • Giving or seeking more attention than usual.

  • Threatening you with ultimatums.

  • Putting you down when things don't go their way.

  • Using banter as a disguise for underlying criticism in the presence of family and friends.

  • Making you feel unworthy or worthless.

  • They make you think everything's your fault.

  • They criticize you all the time.

  • They don't want you to see the people you love.

  • They keep score.

  • They gaslight you.

  • They create drama.

  • They intimidate you.

  • They're moody.

How to get out of a controlling relationship

First ask yourself these questions and be Honest.

  • Can you honestly say that you are in a healthy, loving, and caring relationship where you both support each other?

  • Do you still have your own life?

  • Do you feel that you are in danger if you wanted to leave the relationship?

  • Are you in control of anything?

  • Have your friends and family warned you about this person or people?

  • Do you feel good about yourself?

  • Does he or she constantly sends you text messages and is angry when you don't respond.

  • Does he or she insists you do everything together all the time and is angry when you go out with your friends and family.

  • Can you have friends or family around.

  • Does he or she become easily offended by innocent mistakes.

  • He or she controls what you wear.

If you answered yes to any of these questions then you are in a controlling relationship. Trust and believe me I know you may be paralyzed with fear , especially if you have kids with this person, married or have been in the relationship for many years, or you do not support yourself financially due to physical limitations or this person has always been the provider. It's like a bird in a cage with a door that has no lock. You know you can leave but you believe it's safer to stay. The truth is that you will be in more danger if you stay because the abuse only gets worse. If you really want to get out of a controlling relationship you must be truthful about your situation.It’s necessary if you want to be able to live a healthy and drama free life.

Safety is your first concern. Can you safely reach out to a friend or family member? If not, an excellent resource is the National Domestic Violence Hotline. They will help you make a plan to leave that is tailored to your needs and circumstances. Their number is 1-800-799-7233 or reach out to

I know from experience that once you’re out of the controlling relationship, take some time to take care of yourself. You may want to find a counselor who can help you recover from the mental and emotional damage caused by your abuser or environment. Having a counselor is a great way to give your pain a voice with the right words to help you process what you are feeling because stuffing your emotions only keeps you trapped and makes you bitter. Counseling is not a weak option but a positive opportunity to get the support you need to survive mentally.

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